writer: Dr. Vern
The old saying is true that the show isn't over until the fat lady sings. Don't bother lecturing me about political correctness because I'm not switching to some new term like "Person of Substance" instead. The old, yet perfectly good, expression refers to the soloist at the end of an opera. Only in my case, the lady belting out the grand finale wasn't on stage but was standing in my office. In her defense, she was just another normal human being. Actually, that may be an overstatement because she was from the Human Resources Department. Here's a little observation: When a team from corporate headquarters flies cross-country to visit, there won't be any good news, especially if they're handing out pretty pink slips of paper.
Seeing my entire department eliminated at my day job is not the end of the world. There is still the small matter of providing Jeep parts, food, and shelter for my family, but we should be fine until I find other employment, thanks to my remaining salary with this fine magazine. For example, the kids have already stopped complaining about cat food casserole. Now if only I could afford to heat the oven; it would probably taste better warm.
How does any of this relate to Jeeps? While padding my credentials with an online resume creator, I nearly succumbed to buzzword poisoning. Was I a "proactive multi-tasker"? Could I "think outside the box and create win-win situations"? Hmm, where else was there such a high concentration of useless terminology? The answer can be found when perusing ads for old Jeeps, where the buzzword-reality ratio is nearly as far-fetched.
One of my favorite pastimes is to scour ads for old Jeeps. It doesn't matter if the ads are online, in the back of the newspaper, or on the bulletin board at my local 4x4 shop. If I owned rural acreage next to tolerant neighbors with poor eyesight, I'd drag home practically any old Jeep I could find. Good, bad, or ugly, it wouldn't matter. Meanwhile, back in the real world at my suburban home, space is at a premium, so selectivity is the key to my Jeep-hoarding endeavors. Which Jeeps on the market are worth investigating? The trick is to decipher the buzzwords.
Consider the old chestnut of "ran when parked." Since it doesn't inspire confidence, why include this statement? For classifieds that charge by the word, why not simply cut to the chase and say "abandoned"? If the word count is no problem, "not a lot of Jeep left, mostly bailing wire" might be more realistic. Don't kid yourself that anything will be accomplished with this type of Jeep project. Cover it immediately with a tarp and be done with it. Don't forget to wrap a second tarp underneath to catch any loose parts.
Another sign of danger is "has title." Much like when formulating a resume, a little positive spin is expected. For example, a co-worker once asked me to super glue the door shut on his locker. OK, he didn't say that in so many words, even though his behavior clearly asked for it. The important part is that I didn't do it, reaching that decision even before hearing the footsteps in the hallway. In the special language of resumes, my amazing display of restraint translated to being a "team player." So if having a title is the best a seller can say about a Jeep for sale, then there isn't much else to offer.
Scariest of all is when a Jeep project "needs finishing." Despite the seller's best intentions, a complete Jeep has turned into a scattered collection of parts. Having been through several moves, the exact whereabouts of many components are unknown. If you like a mystery, cozy up with a good novel instead of trying to determine where the bellhousing went. "Needs finishing" is Jeep-speak for "many expensive parts are missing." This is roughly akin to putting "willing to learn" on a resume, which really means "haven't learned anything yet."
Understanding Jeep ads has certainly come in handy while job hunting. Interviewers have an inside joke where they all inquire, in a very serious tone, "Where do you see yourself in five years?" I suspect this corresponds to when I ask somebody why they're selling their Jeep. My intention is to see if the seller suddenly looks down because they have something to hide. Interviews are much tougher nowadays, but if I hold my head high then I'll stand out from the other applicants. I'll take any help I can get because the swimsuit competitions can be quite intimidating. - Dr. Vern