Like a moth to a flame, I once again found myself drawn to a car dealership. After signing reams of paperwork and leaving the obligatory blood sample, I was the proud owner of a new family car. Technically, the bank owns it while I make the payments, but you get the idea. I couldn't help but be struck by how different this new vehicle was from my old Jeep.
If you've been reading my column for any length of time (it's not that long, so hurry up), you'll know that I also own a '48 CJ-2A. Family cars will come and go, wearing themselves out in the process, but our Jeep will likely outlive them all, being rebuilt as many times as needed. What is it about an old Jeep that is so endearing? It certainly can't be the creature comforts, considering that there are none, unless counting the most rudimentary features like a windshield and seat cushions. I'm not about to start ranting about the minimalist beauty of a rugged, bare-bones Jeep. Heck, I like my creature comforts. Bring 'em on, please. Once I got inside my new car and closed the doors, however, I couldn't help but be overwhelmed by a bad case of B.O.
Rolling down the windows wasn't the answer for this B.O. for two reasons. First, hardly anybody rolls down a window anymore, now that electric controls have almost entirely replaced manual handles. More importantly, while the abbreviation B.O. typically refers to body odor (Editor's Note: Thanks for not making a joke about me here), with my new car it stands for button overload. There are so many buttons on this new car I can't imagine that I'll ever learn what they all do. I started counting them on the drive home from the dealership. It probably would have made more sense to wait until I got home, seeing how difficult it was for me to crawl into the back seat while on the freeway.
Still, the number of buttons on this new car is overwhelming, with power this and automatic that. I especially like the trashmasher seats. No longer do I have to let unsightly fast-food bags pile up to incredible heights on the floor. I can simply raise my seat to full height, load the space underneath, and then run the seat down to compress the bulky debris. While we're on the subject of nice options, this car has another wonderful feature - neighborhood-sensitive automatic door locks.
Oddly enough, it is these automatic features that cause the most trouble. For example, the headlights turn on by themselves at dark, which is a desirable safety feature. Wait, let me rephrase that. Not having to touch the light switch is a nice safety feature when I'm driving this particular car. Forgetting all about the light switch, however, is not the best idea whenever I'm behind the wheel of any other car.
The subject of switches brings up a very important issue that needs to be addressed. The subject is so important that the only reasonable course of action is to provide large government grants so that an army of scientists can purchase clipboards and laboratory coats to analyze the situation. Over the course of my lifetime, having owned several bazillion different cars (a conservative estimate), I've noticed something very distressing. Each manufacturer puts whatever type of switch wherever they feel like it. After becoming accustomed to controls set up in one specific fashion, when I get behind the wheel of another car I find myself frequently killing the headlights when I meant to turn off the windshield wipers.
One particular switch that consistently outwits me is the high-beam switch mounted on the steering column. I'm just old enough to remember when all cars had this switch on the floor. My Jeep is that way, and there's a deeply satisfying clunk every time I actuate the switch. Years of experience have made it instinctive to use my foot to cycle between high and low beams. (Editor's Note: This really bugs me, too, because I keep getting my leg caught in the steering wheel.)
Now that I'm getting used to all the spiffy features on this new car, I shouldn't complain. For example, I really like being able to warm the seats simply by pushing a button. Actually, I've had heated seats for years, even on my old Jeep, but this is my first experience with heaters powered by electricity. I'm more familiar with the methane-powered version instead._ Dr. Vern