In yet another disturbing development in my life, the guys at my local parts store recognize my voice over the phone. I haven't placed many prank calls lately, so this probably has something to do with making enough purchases to exceed the value of my Jeep. Even after placing a special order at five minutes before closing on a Friday afternoon, I didn't have to give my credit card number. The friendly voice on the other end of the line explained that he recognized my voice and knew I'd be good for the money. Wow, talk about trust. I really should get in there one of these days and pick up those parts.
There is, most likely, a special section of heaven reserved for the employees of auto part stores. Oh, sure, there are probably places reserved for those kind souls who care for the poor, take in orphans, cure diseases, or even help magazine editors deal with the stigma that comes from their choice of career. Meanwhile, few earthly tasks are as thankless as dispensing auto parts. Handling run-of-the-mill auto parts is tough enough, but what about dealing with Jeeps? Think only home-brew and aftermarket conversions are responsible for the many mongrel parts found in a typical Jeep? Sorry, but even the factory has been into the parts-swapping frenzy for years, borrowing engines from GM and transmissions from who knows where. Pity the poor counter man who not only has to ask for make, model, year, shoe size, favorite color, and might even have to determine what day of the week your Jeep rolled down the assembly line.
Here's a little free advice about how to avoid becoming a pariah at your local parts store. For starters-or any type of parts for that matter-it is very irritating for a counter man to deal with tire-kicking callers who are only checking on the price. Who would enjoy doing the research, only to hear that some other store can sell the part for a little cheaper? Take it from me and remember to disguise your voice when calling to comparison shop.
The situation gets even dicier when shopping in person. There are two main types of customers. The first group knows what they need and doesn't complain about the price. These manly men are afforded the red-carpet treatment. At the other extreme are those who prefer to keep replacing expensive parts and hoping the problem goes away, grumbling all the while. Unless paid on a generous commission, nobody wants to deal with the latter group. Remember, if the line behind you starts snaking out the door, it might be time to step aside for a little while for your own safety.
Of course, the auto parts store isn't the only place that attracts the clue-impaired. I'm pretty sure they also are drawn en masse to coffee shops and like to get in front of me in line. With a Jeep-parts habit to support, I can't afford too many cups of $4 coffee, but I still like to drop in occasionally for a caffeine fix. If I owned a parts store or a coffee shop, there would be a trap door in front of the counter. Is a customer getting on my nerves or taking too long to make a decision while holding up the paying customers? I'd simply push a button and move on to the next person in line.
I had this wonderful idea while suffering in the throes of caffeine deprivation. Some beret-sporting do-gooder in front of me was asking for demi this and soy that, with a sprinkle of free-trade organic whatever on some fat-free topping. There may not have even been any measurable trace of coffee in this beverage. I had to suffer through such a production for my turn to ask for a proper cup of coffee: black, in a dirty cup, the way it should be. As far as I know-keep in mind, this could change after this issue comes out in print-no coffee shop or parts store has a trap door in front of the counter. A trap door sounds dangerous, but it's not like a pokey customer could burn himself by spilling hot coffee, seeing as he'd be gone long before he ever had a beverage in hand. Should you bring a coffee with you to the parts store, simply set it on the counter for safety's sake. Remember, I don't like cream or sugar.-Dr. Vern