writer: Dr. Vern
A cosmic revelation came to me the other day at the gas station. Perhaps my state of mind was suspect, seeing as I was already a bit lightheaded from forking over a large chunk of money and a pound of flesh simply to fill up my Jeep's gas tank. My elation came from finally figuring out a surefire way to throttle back on worldwide energy usage and save the planet. The answer is shockingly simple and involves making more use of the Internet.I realize some of you are already doing your part, forgoing a normal life in order to use the Internet as much as possible. Why drive to the theater when a movie can be ordered online and watched at home? There's no need to trek to your local parts store for Jeep goodies when they can be summoned to your doorstep with just a few clicks. Instead of driving somewhere and doing something interesting, you can park your buttocks at your computer for hours at a time and not waste a single drop of fuel. That, in essence, is how online activity will save the planet.
Of course, there's a dark side to this new online world. Much like the outcome when a muscle isn't exercised on a regular basis, your brain also shrinks as it idles during your online activity. Why think when somebody else can do it for you? Why bother forming your own opinions when you can simply mimic everybody else? I have vivid, irrefutable proof of this epidemic of diminished brain function as Internet usage becomes more widespread. Don't jump to conclusions, because I'm not talking about the rising popularity of American Idol, even though the timing is certainly suspect.
No, the problem is how nowadays each Jeep looks just like all the others. I fully understand that when rolling off the assembly line, all Jeeps look pretty much the same. Unfortunately, this bland sameness continues once the proud owners start the modification process on their new Jeeps. I'd always thought the whole intent of customizing a Jeep was to suit your own particular needs, but this doesn't seem to be the case. As proof, I offer the latest copycat craze in Jeepdom: shiny, monstrous rims with low-profile tires painted around the perimeter.
Hold off penning an angry letter to the editor just yet, if you will. I've been patiently waiting to understand the advantage of this latest look in footwear for Jeeps, other than supposedly looking cool. (I concede my fashion sense would normally disqualify me from issuing rulings on coolness, but I'm on safe ground with this one.)
I can offer one advantage in favor of large-diameter rims, but this mainly appeals to my sense of laziness. While snickering at a set of huge rims, I noticed the wide spaces between the spokes created easy access to the brake pads. Keep in mind that as a child, I wasn't about to waste any time changing into my play clothes after school. Stubborn cuss that I was, I wouldn't remove my shoes while changing my pants so as not to forfeit any precious seconds that could be spent raising mayhem around the neighborhood.
Back to the present day, though. Is there enough room to replace the brake pads without removing the wheels in the process? If that is possible, I'd like to proudly claim that process in my name.
I'll give the Internet the advantage in that particular instance. Brake pad changes may be easier now that everybody is mimicking somebody else, but I have to draw the line there. There's a lot of bogus information online, and it's hard to sort fact from fiction. For example, consider how many times I've been told I need lockers installed on my Jeep.
I've been four-wheeling just fine for years without 'em, but now I'm repeatedly told that lockers are must-have items. I can report absolutely no increase in off-road performance because I finally put aside my well-founded skepticism and tried it. I can even report one major drawback: visibility suffers big time with the lockers installed. The one in back wasn't so bad, but the front one really blocked my forward vision. These weren't cheap lockers, either. They were really nice ones that I snagged when a local health club was remodeling. Drawbacks aside, at least the extra storage space was nice. Now if I could only remember how to open them--I forgot the combination. Perhaps I spoke too soon ranting against the Internet, because it now appears that I'll need to look up lock-picking instructions.
--Dr. Vern