"What in the world are you doing?" My wife caught me red-handed, and I had no reasonable explanation for secretly looking at pictures online in the middle of the night. She had her suspicions recently, because any time she drew near, I'd clumsily hurry to make sure there was nothing inappropriate on the screen. I'd try to play dumb, and even though that comes naturally, she had to wonder what I was doing. After I got caught, her response cut right to the core: Why did I have to look at those kinds of pictures? She reminded me I already had something waiting at home that would make any red-blooded man go weak at the knees and drool with envy.
She's right, of course, and in addition, you won't find a prettier woman in all the land. Luckily for me, it was just Jeep porn on my computer's screen. If you've ever lusted over pictures of a Jeep, you've fallen victim to Jeep porn. There's no real cure. The only reasonable outcome is to go Jeep shopping. Once I explained the situation to my wife and did the old soft shoe, she helped me look.
With a gorgeous '48 CJ-2A and a '63 Willys wagon, there's no shortage of Jeep fun at my place. At the risk of a brain cramp, I got to thinking long and hard. Although I'm not about to sell my old Jeeps, it sure would be nice to have something a bit newer in the stable. This thought crossed my mind recently when my CJ-2A started sputtering during a steep off-camber climb. Rather than discover how wet the seat would get if the engine quit, I'd much prefer the smooth and uber reliable performance of fuel injection. Power brakes would sure be nice, too, instead of just having that decorative pedal between the clutch and the gas. How about a transmission that stayed in gear when going downhill? I'm not ashamed to admit I'd also like power steering, but it's not because I'm some sort of weakling. After all, I once ripped a phone book in half with my bare hands. (Editor's note: It doesn't really mean all that much when you tear it page by page.)
There's one last hurdle to clear before even considering a new vehicle; first I'll have to see if my latest plan to get rich works out. (Editor's note: Accounting and Corporate Security want to talk to you.) Even if I can swing the purchase price, I still have no idea what I want. The multitude of choices is so overwhelming, and there's no guarantee I'll know what to pick.
Should I get a two-door Wrangler? That would certainly be maneuverable off-road. Or should I get the four-door version for the extra interior room and a more stable ride? Do I want a stick shift? Or maybe I should take advantage of the smooth power delivery with juice drive? Do I want a soft top? Or would I prefer a hard top so I can lock up my Jeep so that nobody steals my Air Supply CD collection? Or maybe I should go with a Grand Cherokee for a great combination of luxury and off-road ability. If those were my only options, that wouldn't be too daunting. But it gets worse. Heck if I can make any sense of the Liberty, Patriot, Compass, and Commander in the line-up. It looks like four versions of essentially the same vehicle, so I'm a bit befuddled.
The surplus of choices is almost as bad as buying toothpaste. Last time I checked, my local supermarket has an entire aisle for nothing but dental care. Way back in the dark ages, all you had to do was find the brand you wanted, and that was it. Now I first have to decide if I should get toothpaste with baking soda. (Just curious, but could you foam at the mouth convincingly by taking a swig of vinegar at the same time?) Next step is to choose whether or not to get the tartar control formula. While we're on the subject, when a dentist scrapes build-up from your teeth, how much money does he receive by selling it to the makers of tartar sauce?
As if choosing toothpaste wasn't challenging enough, how about trying to buy a sub sandwich? At one national chain, you have to play 20 questions just to get a bite to eat. They even taunt you by holding your food hostage behind the sneeze guard while tormenting you with questions like: "Which of these six nearly identical breads would you like? Which of these 15 sauces would you like? Which of these five similar cheeses would you like?" There isn't an option to point to on a menu and simply say, "Give me one of those, please."
Back to the world of Jeeps, I'm not one of those guys complaining about all the high-tech options available these days. I'll take a talking GPS, as long as it is nice to me. Give me ice-cold air conditioning, in case I ever do side work for the Mafia and need to keep a body cold. About the only thing you can't get anymore are those door lock buttons which could be lifted up with a piece of coat hanger wire. Replace the buttons with the smooth anti-theft style, and you're all set if you need to leave your grandparents in the vehicle while you run into a store. Speaking of fancy options, have you ever seen wipers that automatically sense rain and turn themselves on? As amazing as that is, how about a system that automatically turns on the windshield washer spray? Right now, I have to manually press the button just as I'm about to sneeze, and the timing is critical for maximum effect for my passengers. It would be nice to have a sneeze sensor to do this automatically. On a related note, as I work on my dream list of options, wipers and washers on the inside might be a good idea, too.-Dr. Vern