There's some sad news that affects all of us in the Jeep world, so please join me in observing a moment of silence and bowing your heads. I should clarify that I'm talking to a collective group when using the plural "heads," and not (necessarily) a single person. Having broached the subject of somebody with more than one noggin, I don't mean "single person" in terms of marital status. Actually, chances are that any multi-skulled person would be single, because the need for shirts with two neck holes isn't high on the list of desired traits in a potential spouse. There could be two heads sprouting from a common neck, and thus no need for custom shirts, but this person still won't have much luck with the opposite sex. On the bright side, there would be a promising career in management due to being naturally two-faced, but the downsides far outweigh the positives.
Sorry, I've already digressed, and in the first paragraph, no less. All I meant to say was an era is passing for fans of old Jeeps. There's been a seismic shift in the way we buy and sell Jeeps and related parts. For many years, it was always worth a special trip to the Stop 'n Rob convenience store to grab a free classified paper from the rack by the door. Almost everywhere I've traveled, there was some local variation of these classified papers. While these free papers are still available, business is fading. Few of the ads are worth reading these days. It's been at least a couple of years since I picked one up on a regular basis. Perusing them used to be a ritual, as I was always hoping to be the first one to reach the kindly widow clearing out a garage full of old Jeep parts. Tantalizing ads like that are long gone. The only things remaining are ads for weight-loss supplements and shady get-rich schemes like "Work from home as an air traffic controller," or "Be a magazine editor." Most of the good stuff has moved online. The Internet has decimated the business model for printing free classifieds.
Now I'm not saying online ads are bad. Far from it, actually. I've scored several Jeeps, other vehicles, and countless parts from Craigslist and similar places. The problem with online ads is that they don't cost the seller a penny. Whether 10 words or 100, the price is the same (free), so adding a few extra words is never a problem. By contrast, the papers typically charge for extra words, so sellers get to the point right away.
For example, I found my '48 CJ-2A about 15 years ago in a free paper. Working from memory, here's what the ad said:
"1948 CJ-2A Jeep, engine rebuilt, new paint. Moving out of country, must sell. $1,700. Call (XXX) XXX-XXXX."
Sixteen words, and that covered pretty much everything I needed to know. After one quick call, I was on my way to look at the Jeep. Once I was there, I had to buy the Jeep despite the condition. It would have been rude not to.
In retrospect, it's a good thing the seller used as few words as possible. Had he run up the word count by describing the Jeep accurately, I probably never would have called. Here's what the ad could have said:
"1948 CJ-2A Jeep. Engine rebuilt by amateur allergic to precision tolerances. New paint applied by wearing scuba gear and driving through a giant vat. Moving out of country so the next owner can't track me down. Must sell to pay court fines for crimes against Jeepdom."
If I knew the truth about this Jeep's condition, maybe the money burning a hole in my pocket would have gone to purchase something else, such as the horse my daughter wanted. While a horse is even more expensive overall than a Jeep, at least I'd finally have a legitimate reason to wear my rhinestone chaps.
There's another maddening problem with an unlimited word count. Some sellers load up on keywords to annoyingly appear in practically all search results. Squint hard enough and you might see the following in tiny print:
Honda Chevy Dodge Ford Jeep Porsche Hyundai Obamaru wagon coupe car truck cage fighter lifted lowered Will Ferrell new used catback nitrous drift wildebeest ported V-6 V-8 gas diesel spoiler Z3 Z4 convertible Lebowski blue green red yellow turbo Nixon tires wheels brakes watermelon alternator engine 2.0 2.1 2.2 2.3 2.4 2.5 2.6 2.7 2.8 2.9 3.0.
There's no point in writing to the President about keyword abuse. On previous occasions concerning equally grave matters, he has only replied with a series of form letters, each less polite than the previous one. I'm not about to let this setback hold me down, because a good friend suggested everybody's computer should have a mechanical arm to slap you around if posting phony keywords. It's a brilliant concept, even if he's more of an idea person and it's up to me to implement the plan. I would only need an act of Congress and the blind support of the entire computer industry, so I think it's doable. This proves the old saying that two heads really are better than one. Unless they're on the same body.
-Dr. Vern