Do you think the mullet was the greatest hairstyle ever invented? Does part of your standard weekend attire consist of a foam-dome beer helmet and a pair of cut-off jean shorts? Do you pull your color-banded white tube socks all the way up to the bottom of your knees? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then pay close attention because your Jeep is probably in violation of several of these general Jeep rules of taste.
1 You have some sort of cutesy name emblazoned across the hood, tailgate, or even under the hood. Kill yourself if the words "Zilla, Stomper, or Puppy" appear anywhere.
2 There is a cartoon character painted anywhere in, on, or around your Jeep. Unless it's the factory Golden chicken, there shouldn't be an animal displayed anywhere on your vehicle unless its bleeding corpse is still hanging out of your smashed grille.
3 The tops of your tires come within 3 inches of the bottom of your body tub. There's just no need to lift a Jeep 18 inches unless you're using it to double as a deer stand.
4 You are running more than one pair of forward-facing auxiliary lights on your Jeep. Unless you're prerunning in the wilds of Baja, there's no need to roast lizards and squirrels dead in their tracks with your excesscandlepower.
5 Give yourself extra non-cool retro points if the light covers of all your 10 lights have smiley faces on them and/or are neon pink, green, or blue.
6 Unless it's the factory rollbar used in '76-'86 CJs, there's absolutely no need for the use of tubing larger than 2 inches in diameter. Chroming your 4-inch tube bumpers just makes a bad thing worse. And don't get us started on miter-cut, square-tube cages.
7 With modern technology, there's really no need to run more than one shock per tire. That is, unless you're compensating for something. Right, tiny?
8 If you've got a Kenworth, Mack truck, flying unicorn, or Mercedes hood ornament fashioned to your hood, you might be a redneck. A redneck that's living in '85, that is. Only beer taps are acceptable by the slightest of margins, and even then we reserve the right to make fun of the brand.
9 Perhaps this one may seem controversial, but we don't care. Unless your Jeep is one of the incredibly rare Ford GP rear steer prototypes, rear steer doesn't belong on your rig. We've seen numerous fools roll because they were paying more attention to their rear steer controls than the trail. Distraction-wise, it's the cell phone of the hard-core Jeeper.
10 We know Interco will forgive us because we think so highly of its other tires (like the Boggers pictured), but to us, running Thornbird tires is tantamount to crashing a party wearing your Night Ranger T-shirt and Winger hat. Parachute pants would also be an acceptable analogy.