The 909 BruiserIt's sort of...
The 909 BruiserIt's sort of a Southern California thing, but 909 is an area code covering a particularly rough neck section. Ya know the type; the guy with a huge beer gut, red scraggly or overgrown goatee with rubber bands in it, tattoos, and a shaved head. Most likely to be found kicking somebody's ass at the Azusa mud pit or driving a Jeep with a big block and 44-inch Boggers at TDS.
This is probably the story that will finally get me fired. It's OK. I've had a good run. It's been almost 10 years since I got hired here in magazine land. This story assignment is probably just Cappa's way of getting me out of the building without an awkward confrontation. He'll sit me down to say how much he appreciates my contributions to the company and a few other exaggerations to distract me so Security can sneak up, grab me by the scruff of the neck, and toss me on the curb.
Regardless, Cappa came to me and said "I wanna do a who-are-you story about all the types of 4x4 guys out there" and then he e-mailed me examples number 1, 2, and 3. Then the e-mails started bandying back and forth and before you know it, we had sixteen completely politically incorrect examples of Jeep Guy Archetypes. So, read them over (hopefully with a sense of humor) and see in which category you fall.
The DuderUsually a skinny,...
The DuderUsually a skinny, sideways-hat-wearing punk with tattoos, saggy pants held up by a big studded belt, and black socks with short pants. Oh yeah, the hat bill has to be pressed flat. The front of the Jeep will be lifted sky-high, but the rear suspension will be stock 'cause that will make everybody think it's a prerunner.
The On-SafariWheelers who...
The On-SafariWheelers who prefer A/C over an open top and who shop for a month at the local Eddie Bauer for just the right safari vest and Indiana Jones hat before venturing out onto a trail made up mostly of graded road. They won't put the vehicle in 4x4 without a spotter watching from the outside of the vehicle, 15 gallons of extra fuel strapped to the Jamboree rack, and an arsenal of GPS and electronic navigational aids.
The Credit CardThey've got...
The Credit CardThey've got more money than common sense or driving ability. They hit the trail one time with a friend or saw wheeling on TV and thought it would be a laugh to have a Jeep of their own, so they order up a Wrangler with twin Dynatrac axles, 37-inch tires, a V-8 conversion, and an Atlas t-case. Then proceed to roll their brand-new $80,000 Jeep the first time they take it out.
The New EnglanderThey're bundled...
The New EnglanderThey're bundled up like an Eskimo because there's only four good months of wheeling weather unless you're into snow wheeling. The Jeep is full of rust holes like Swiss cheese and it is probably sporting neon wiper blades, square tube bumpers, and a mud flaps with a clever saying like "Back Off."
The DowntownerHe's a sweetie...
The DowntownerHe's a sweetie who's all about the shine. The Jeep has been detailed so many times the layers of Armor All on the top is thicker than the layers of cheese on a Chicago-style pizza. He's never been wheeling and would actually buy the 2WD version of the Wrangler.
The SouthernerHe may or may...
The SouthernerHe may or may not have all of his teeth, but who cares because Red Man chews smooth even if you've gotta gum it. There's more baling wire on his Jeep than you'd use to bale an acre of hay and the fenders, hood, and seatbelts have been removed to save weight. He also put bolts in his tire tread to help on those snot-slick climbs.
The TerroristHe goes for the...
The TerroristHe goes for the M-725 ambulance for its extra weight carrying capacity to support the washer/dryer necessary for keeping all those head rags clean and all that plastic explosive. Smile because a Marine sniper is checking you out from behind a .50 BMG.
The MormonHe's got a hot 18-year...
The MormonHe's got a hot 18-year old wife and three kids.
The ChristianHe bought a Liberty...
The ChristianHe bought a Liberty because, although it promises to behave one way it does entirely the opposite and then begs redemption in confession after the fact by claiming it's a Jeep.
The MinnesotanHe drives whatever...
The MinnesotanHe drives whatever Jeep still has enough rust fused together to resemble a body and has enough room to carry the carcass of the deer he just killed with a bow and arrow.
The Cappa (Jp Editor)Has a...
The Cappa (Jp Editor)Has a two-door Wrangler. It's gotta be red and the back seat must be removed because friends are for chumps.
The Hazel (Jp Tech Editor)Bought...
The Hazel (Jp Tech Editor)Bought some decades-old pile of mostly-there Jeep and completely swapped the entire suspension, drivetrain, and builds a cage with the intent of having it done before the biggest run of the year, which is next week. Sustains injuries of some sort in the process.
The Trasborg (Jp Associate...
The Trasborg (Jp Associate Editor) The Jeep is on fire.
The Pewe (4-Wheel & Off-Road...
The Pewe (4-Wheel & Off-Road Editor)He removes the paint on a perfectly decent Jeep until it's rusty, battered, and crawling with tetanus. Then scratches himself on it and waits in the hospital to see if he'll lose an arm or just a finger.
The Nasi (Jp/4-Wheel & Off-Road...
The Nasi (Jp/4-Wheel & Off-Road Publisher)Takes a really cool Jeep and then f%$*s with it until it's broken. Then leaves it abandoned in the company parking lot in the hopes somebody will take pity and fix it.